Diamonds are Forever — but that doesn’t mean this film should be

I'm going to keep this short. 

I recently had to give up watching this film about halfway through because it just did not, and never has, engaged me. Except for maybe the first time I saw it as a child, but hey, I didn't have particularly demanding tastes then; I liked Jim'll Fix It. I wrote to him asking for a ride in the Starsky & Hutch car — but that's a different story.

So, back to Diamonds are Forever.

It is not only a not very good Bond film, but it's not a very good film in general. It looks and feels cheap. Perhaps if Lazenby (or even John Gavin) had done it, then they wouldn't have blown most of the budget on Connery's pay packet and had some left over to make a decent film, rather than ploughing the rest of the budget into Connery's expanding waistline. The worst special effects of any Bond film are in this film. However, I'm going to try and say what is good about the film rather than what is bad: John Barry's score and the title theme are excellent. That is all.

OK, so that didn't last long — unlike this film which seems to go on for well over its actual running time. It's a snooze fest. Yeah, Connery is back, but judging by this performance, I wish he wasn't. And what's with how he says "This guy's been following me all day today"? Less convincing than any line uttered by Lazenby. 

Connery, in this film, is not bad per se, but he sure as hell isn't James Bond. The film has some great lines, but that is all this film is — a few lines linked together by a dreadfully uninteresting plot with some colourful characters thrown in. Jimmy Dean as Willard Whyte is enjoyable, as is Charles Gray — but he's no Blofeld. Jill St John starts well as Tiffany Case, but by the end of it, her character is plain embarrassing. American Bond girls haven't been that great. 

The locations in the film are a bit meh as well. Las Vegas is just far too tacky and cheap. Amsterdam looks nice (what we see of it), but overall, the locations lack that Bondian quality. 

So there, you have it. I'm sure there will be plenty of people who disagree with me and say things like "It's not as bad as Die Another Day". 

No, it's not as bad as Die Another Day: it's even worse!